This article was last updated on October 16, 2025
Best friends? Or worst enemies?
Brother and sister can be a jumble of pals, foes, secret-sharers, and rivals: ain’t no bond quite like it.
One second your kids are getting along fine; next, they’re in a fight! Sibling arguing is not a fault in parenting; it’s a regular and natural part of growing up, giving kids key practice in talking things through, planning solutions, and standing up for themselves. Is the aim to stop fights? Or is it to guide kids on how to handle it better making a good base for their bond?
Why do kids fight?
Want kids to argue less and play nice? It’s good to figure out what gets them upset to begin with in a more laid-back way, keeping the main points but with easy words and a friendly style. Lessen formality in switches and words, and toss in a question here or there to hook the reader.
Learning skills and sharing feelings:
Kids’ brains especially the part for planning things and controlling feelings are still growing. This makes dealing with fights tough for them at times. When they’re upset, they need to share what’s inside, even if they feel mad at a sibling. Not letting feelings out might make them grow annoyed over time.
“Our instinct is to fight against the way that they feel, but actually, if we can accept it and be with it, everything can start to shift.”
Competing for stuff:
Fighting can get serious because kids think they’re losing out on space like time playing with parents or getting a share of love. A new baby might join the family, and it’s exciting, but it could seem to the older child like they’re losing attention. Kids can compete more if siblings are close in years or the same gender.
“There’s a scarce resource here parental time, attention, and love. But there’s a cure. Every child needs to hear from us: no matter how much your little sibling gets, there’s always more than enough for you. I could never love anyone more than I love you.”
The Parent’s Foundation: Connection Over Control
You cannot control your child’s personality, gender, or age spacing, but you can control how deep and sweet your relationship is with each child. This individual connection is one of the biggest predictors of how well they will get along as they grow older.
Proactive Connection and Modeling
Dedicated, scheduled one-on-one time with each child is a critical intervention strategy. This focused attention acts as a powerful buffer against competition.
Prioritize Presence: You only have a limited window of time with your children until adulthood; focus when you are there. Try to show up and be fully present.
Strengthen Individual Bonds: Ensure your children feel your presence and build in time to connect. Hug your child protective, loving physical connection is important. Kids are happier and less competitive when they know they’re loved and special in some way.
Parents could teach important lessons like being nice, showing care, being patient, forgiving, and staying calm. Plus, hunger or boredom might spark arguments, so try to avoid it.
The Cornerstone of Needs-Based Fairness
A central principle in reducing rivalry is the fundamental redefinition of “fairness.” You must systematically avoid the appearance of taking sides, as perceived favoritism is a powerful accelerant of rivalry.
- Fair isn’t always the same.
Providing every kid equally, nope not always. It’s more about giving each child what’s needed in any situation. One might just need stuff, like medicine or a birthday party, more than another time. Pushing kids to get exactly the same all the time makes them miss that life’s about differences they’ll learn it bit by bit. - Try to avoid showing pity.
Favoring one matters each harsh move maybe hurts a child who believes they’re left out. Over time, they may struggle with bad relationships or low self-esteem. Making fair chats without blaming is key so nobody feels shortchanged or unfairly treated. - Feelings yep, let ’em express those halfway!
If they say, “Ah, that older bro gets a new backpack, mean huh?” agree it’s tough balancing things. Don’t just smooth over for peace’s sake instead, ask the younger one’s view. Sounds fine, too.
Become Coaches Review Perfect Sessions
A role not just helpful but central aim for smiles out loud, feeling proud they didn’t wreck it, instead helped fix it.
- Kid Confidential: “Simplify Clash Transition?”
- Stop: Quiet peacekeeping calm first.
b. Delay Discussion: Tell children you’ll talk about it later. They’re often too distressed to absorb much. Wait until things cool down even the next day for older kids.
c. Apply Fair Consequences to All: If your family uses consequences, apply them consistently and fairly. Give space for kids to solve problems safely; let them practice fixing fights sometimes.
Teaching for the Future (Structured Problem-Solving)
The problem-solving process is the last step. Once tempers have cooled, use this structured way to help kids find “win-win” solutions:
| Step | Focus & Rationale | Key Communication Rules | Actionable Coaching Phrase |
| 1. State the Intent | Commit to solving the problem and define consequences of continued fighting. | Clearly set expectations. | “Neither of you will use the computer until we can agree on how to stop fighting. Are you willing to work on this now?” |
| 2. Define the Problem | Ensure both sides are heard and acknowledged. | Encourage empathy. | “What do you think the problem is? Now, what do you think your brother/sister feels is the problem?” |
| 3. State the Wants | Identify what each wants and check if it’s realistic. | Challenge unfair expectations. | “What do you want to happen now? Tegan, is it fair to expect the computer all the time?” |
| 4. Brainstorm Solutions | Come up with creative, non-judgmental ideas. | Encourage all input. | “Let’s think of three different ways we could solve this so everyone feels okay.” |
| 5. Rate and Select | Evaluate ideas for fairness and practicality. | Strive for agreement. | “What would be good or bad about this idea? Does anyone think this might work for a week?” |
| 6. Come Back Later | Take a break if needed and restart later. | Keep the door open for ideas. | “If we can’t come up with a solution right now, let’s take a break and restart tonight.” |
| 7. Test and Review | Try the solution and check back. | Commit to revisiting if it fails. | “We have an agreement. Let’s try this for two days and check back on Friday.” |
Fostering Long-Term Harmony
- Use “I” Words: Teach using “I feel [emotion] when you [action] because [reason].” It helps kids express themselves helpfully without blame.
- Family Talks: Hold regular family talks. It’s a nice place to practice using “I” words when the family isn’t in crisis. Rotate roles, leave devices behind, and give everyone a chance to speak with no interruptions or punishment.
- The Joy of a Sibling:
Having a brother or sister is great it’s special. When we tell kids they’re lucky to have a sib, and that sibs stand by and help each other, those kids tend to believe us, don’t they? Positive memories with siblings now can mean they’ll be close for life. But how will you approach this? Who knows what’s ideal, right?
References
Better Health Channel. Sibling rivalry [Online]. Available at: https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/sibling-rivalry .
Human Performance Resource Center (HPRC). Tips for Effective Family Meetings that Help Strengthen Family Bonds [Online]. Available at: https://www.hprc-online.org/social-fitness/family-optimization/tips-effective-family-meetings-help-strengthen-family-bonds .
American Psychological Association (APA). The long-term effects of parental favoritism on siblings [Online]. Available at: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2025/01/parental-favoritism .
Better Health Channel. Sibling rivalry [Online]. Available at: https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/sibling-rivalry .
Raising Children Network. Sibling fights: how to handle them [Online]. Available at: https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/behaviour/friends-siblings/handling-fights .
Better Health Channel. Sibling rivalry [Online]. Available at: https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/sibling-rivalry .
Raising Children Network. Sibling fights: how to handle them [Online]. Available at: https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/behaviour/friends-siblings/handling-fights .
Focus on the Family. Siblings Can Learn to Be Kind to One Another [Online]. Available at: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/siblings-can-learn-to-be-kind-to-one-another/ .
Growing Minds NYC. Sibling Dynamics: What is Fair? [Online]. Available at: https://www.growingmindsnyc.com/blog/sibling-dynamics-what-is-fair .
American Psychological Association (APA). The long-term effects of parental favoritism on siblings [Online]. Available at: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2025/01/parental-favoritism .
Human Performance Resource Center (HPRC). Tips for Effective Family Meetings that Help Strengthen Family Bonds [Online]. Available at: https://www.hprc-online.org/social-fitness/family-optimization/tips-effective-family-meetings-help-strengthen-family-bonds .
Sproutable. Siblings: Get them in the ring [Online]. Available at: https://www.besproutable.com/siblings-get-them-in-the-ring/ .