This article was last updated on August 14, 2025
The Real-Life Struggle of Saying “No” – And Why Your Family Needs This Skill
Raise your hand if this sounds familiar:
Your 8-year-old begs for “just one more episode” when you know bedtime was 10 minutes ago.
Your coworker asks you to cover their shift – again – while you stare at your overstuffed calendar.
Your teen claims “EVERYONE has TikTok” as you battle that nagging mom-guilt.
We’ve all been ther
e—that split second where “no” feels lodged in your throat, and “yes” slips out instead. Psychologist Dr. Susan Newman calls this being “a master of yes and a novice of no.” And friend? It’s exhausting us.
Why “Yes” Becomes Our Default (Even When We’re Drowning)
Let’s get real about why we avoid saying no:
- Mom Guilt Is Real: We worry we’re not doing enough, so we overcompensate. (One mom told me she agreed to bake 60 cupcakes for the PTO while recovering from the flu!)
- FOMO Parenting: “What if my kid misses out? What if they resent me?” (Spoiler: They won’t. More on that later.)
- The “Superchild” Trap: Soccer, violin, coding camp, tutoring… when did childhood become a competitive sport?
The cost of avoiding boundaries? Chronic stress, resentment, and kids who think the world revolves around them. Research confirms it: A landmark study by the American Psychological Association links poor boundaries to anxiety, sleep issues, and even weakened immunity.
Why Saying “No” is a Parenting Superpower
Here’s the mindset shift parents need: Saying “no” isn’t rejection – it’s protection. Protection of your sanity, your family time, and your child’s em
otional development.
Dr. Newman, author of the game-changing book The Book of NO, explains:
“Every time we say ‘no,’ we teach our kids two vital lessons: That their time and energy matter, and that they won’t always get what they want in the real world. That’s not harsh – it’s preparation.”
Remember:
- Kids whose parents never say no often struggle with their first college rejection or workplace criticism.
- Kids who contribute at home (yes, chores!) develop resilience. The famous Harvard Grant Study found adults who did childhood chores had greater career success and life satisfaction.
How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty (Parent Scripts Included!)
For
You:
- The Pause Button: Before saying yes, ask:
- “Will this leave me drained or resentful?”
- “What am I sacrificing (sleep? family dinner?) to do this?”
(Source: Psychology Today’s Guide to Boundaries)
- Kind But Firm Phrases:
- “I’d love to help, but I’m maxed out this week.”
- “We’re not doing sleepovers yet, but let’s plan a special movie night here!”
For Your KIDS:
- Role-Play Real-Life Scenarios:
- Peer: “Come on, skip class!”
- Your Child: “Nah, my parents would flip. Let’s just hang after school.”
- The “Delay Tactic”: Teach them to buy time:
- “I need to check with my parents first.”
- “Let me think about it and text you later.”
- Use “The Broken Record”:
- Kid: “PLEEEASE can I have Robux?”
- You: “I know you really want it. Our answer is still no for this month.”
(Repeat calmly. No extra explanations = less room for negotiation!)
Common Boundary-Setting Challenges (and How to Handle Them)
- The Grandma Critique: At Thanksgiving, Aunt Carol says, “My, those ripped jeans are… interesting.”
- YOU (smiling): “Thanks for your thoughts, Aunt Carol! Did you try Uncle Bob’s famous stuffing yet?”
- Later, privately: “Sweetheart, Aunt Carol’s comments were about her, not you. Your style is awesome.”
- “But You PROMISED!”: When you can’t play:
- “I know I said we’d build Legos now, and I’m bummed too! Dinner has to come first so our bodies stay strong. How about we set an alarm for 7 PM so we don’t forget?”
- “Everyone Has It!”: (Phones, TikTok, etc.)
- “It feels like that, huh? In our family, we wait until [age/reason]. It’s not about punishment – it’s about keeping you safe while your brain grows. Let’s talk about what you can do instead.”
The Long-Term Benefits of Saying “No” in Parenting
Parenting educator Vicki Hoefle puts it perfectly:
“Your child turns 18 in a blink. Every ‘no’ you say today teaches them how to set boundaries as an adult. That’s true love.”
Kids raised with healthy limits:
- Handle disappointment without falling apart
- Respect their own boundaries (preventing burnout)
- Become persuasive negotiators (hello, future job offers!)
One Mom’s “No” Victory:
“After years of saying yes to every PTO request, I finally said, ‘Not this time.’ Guess what? The world didn’t end. My kid still got valentines. And I reclaimed three hours for a bubble bath. Game-changer.”
How Parents Can Start Practicing “No” Today
- Refuse one non-essential request
- Delegate one chore your child can handle (even imperfectly!)
- Name the guilt when it creeps in: “This feels hard, but I’m protecting our peace.”
Resources for Parents Learning to Say No:
- The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It – Dr. Susan Newman
- Boundary-setting advice in Psychology Today
- Dr. Robyn Silverman’s full interview: How to Teach Kids to Say NO
Parenting tip: Every “no” to something unimportant is a powerful “YES” to your family’s well-being, emotional health, and resilience.
References & Resources
- American Psychological Association on chronic stress: Stress Effects on Health
- Harvard Study on childhood chores: Chores Predict Adult Success
- Susan Newman’s Website & Newsletter: Family Life Resources
- Vicki Hoefle’s Parenting Approach: Duct Tape Parenting
- Full Interview: Robyn Silverman & Dr. Newman